What Women Don't Want
by Oldmovie
Summary: Based off of the movie "What women want". House suddenly has the power to hear women's thoughts, what on earth is going to happen now?
1. Chapter 1

What Women Don't Want

**WTF?-** chp 1

House limped into the hospital and could feel the stares boring into him. Everyone seemed to be unpleased with him after the stunt he pulled yesterday. House only grinned to himself, shifting his backpack onto his shoulders so that it didn't slip off and kept on limping. It was a little strange though, everyone seemed to be giving him dirty looks, and surely pulling the fire alarm during clinic duty did not entitle him to the walk of shame. He was just starting to feel uncomfortable when Cuddy's voice echoed across the clinic.

"Dr. House," she yelled.

House continued limping, he could tell by her tone of voice that he didn't really want to have this conversation.

Cuddy sighed and walked quickly after him, "House," she called out again.

"Lives to save Dr. Cuddy," House replied.

"Not if you don't have a case," she countered, finally grabbing his shoulder causing him to stop.

"I thought being a doctor by definition meant you saved lives, case or not." House said lifting his cane to push the elevator button, but Cuddy got to it first pushing the cane back down.

"Not today," House gave her a funny look.

"Well in that case," House turned around but Cuddy kept her grip on his cane.

"After that stunt you pulled yesterday I'm hosting a seminar, a re-introduction to mannerisms of the work-place."

"Because I pulled the fire-alarm?" House asked amazed.

"Because maybe if people give you enough crap about having to attend then you'll stop doing this sort of thing."

"This isn't high school Cuddy, you can't send me to detention every time I do something wrong."

"If you're going to act like a child I'm going to treat you like one."

"You're going to get me to change by punishing everyone else?"

"Works like a charm with teenagers," she said with a wink and walked away from him, "If you're not in the conference room by 11, I'm taking the damages of the last MRI you broke out of your salary."

* * *

House was in a terrible mood when he got home; he unlocked the door and pushed it open hard so that it slammed against the wall for dramatic effect, not really serving any purpose rather than to make him feel better. He stormed into the kitchen, pulling out the whiskey from one of the cupboards and planned on getting thoroughly wasted by the end of the night. With Whiskey bottle and tumbler glass in hand, House made his way over to his couch where he would spend the rest of his night watching his soaps mindlessly.

After a considerable amount of time watching Lindsey get pregnant and Derek battle it out with George and with enough whiskey for the room to be spinning, House deemed it time to go to bed. He got up and stumbled violently, falling into the coffee table in front of him and swearing loudly. Rubbing his bad leg, he limped to the TV, world spinning still, trying to grasp at the off button. It was a vain attempt and House swore again and realized he was going to pass out soon and decided to abandon his task. He attempted to turn around but tripped over his own legs which seemed to refuse to move, causing him to fall over backwards into the TV with a loud crash. The broken glass and electrical sparks ravaged through his body and soon when the TV lay broken in a smoldering heap, House lay on top of it, mouth agape, completely unconscious.

* * *

House woke up to the sound of insistent knocking on his front door. He opened his eyes slowly and without fail the surging headache of his hangover pounded in his ears. He blinked stupidly and tried to move, everything ached. He turned on his side and let out a harsh, "OW!" as his hand dug into broken glass. Casting his eyes down he realized he was on top of his TV, which was completely broken and swore once more. The insistent knocking was like the boom of cannons on a medieval battle field; he pushed himself up carefully and limped painfully to the door. He opened it quickly and Wilson was left with his hand in the knocking position and with a look of surprise on his face upon seeing House's state.

"SHUT-UP," House shouted.

Wilson gave him a look over, "What the hell happened to you?"

"Hit and run accident," House murmured and turned around to follow Wilson eye's to the TV.

"Did you do that?" Wilson asked pointing at the TV as he walked into the apartment.

"No my hooker did, she wasn't pleased with the pay," House replied closing the door as quietly as he could behind Wilson.

"Did you whack it with a baseball bat, or your cane?" Wilson asked amazed trying to avoid stepping on the broken glass but failed which caused House to wince.

"Big Foot, sit down and shut up," he ordered closing his eyes.

"Where? Glass is everywhere and," Wilson cut off as he saw the empty Whiskey bottle, "How much did you drink last night?"

"Enough that I managed to fall into the TV," House finally admitted.

"You fell into the TV?" Wilson turned around concerned, "Are you alright, do you need to be checked?"

"I'm fine, just a massive hangover," House said weakly, "Why are you here," the thought suddenly dawned on him.

"Cuddy, she wants your ass in work," Wilson replied still staring at House concerned.

"Oh I don't want to be late to class," House muttered sarcastically.

"House get yourself checked out, TV's have got all kinds of voltage running through them-"Wilson was saying when House cut him off.

"If I need a mother I'll ask Cameron to dote on me, for now I just need a ride to work," House replied, looking around for a suit jacket.

"You look like shit," Wilson said taking in the rumpled clothes House had worn yesterday, the midnight shadow over House's jaw and the deep sunken, blood shot eyes that were the tell-tale sign of a massive hang-over, "Cuddy's going to have your head on a silver platter if you go into work like that."

"Whereas if I spend any more time getting ready she's going to be serving my ass as the main meal so let's go," House picking up the jacket from yesterday and throwing it on. He limped to the door, opened it and walked out to the street where he was met with the sight of his neighbor, a woman of about 30, making her way to her car.

_I hope he doesn't see me_

"Too late already saw you," House announced and the woman turned to him with a slightly embarrassed look on her face. Wilson came up behind House and gave him a puzzled look.

"Good morning Dr. House," the neighbor greeted him and turned her back to him unlocking the door to her car.

"Good morning Janet, "House replied back.

_It's Jane_

"No need to be touchy," House replied amused, Wilson's brow furrowed and the woman turned to look at him confused.

"Who's being touchy?" She asked.

_Asshole_

"Hey no need for name calling," House said slightly shocked, his neighbor and him barely exchanged greetings let alone insults.

"House what are you talking about?" Wilson asked him, House turned to him confused and back to the woman.

_Oh god, he's probably high or wasted again. He was making a lot of noise last night doing God knows what_.

House stared at her amazed, she had said something but her mouth hadn't moved. "Did you hear that?" He asked Wilson.

The neighbor gave him a slightly frightened look, "Goodbye Dr. House," she muttered and got into her car.

_The man's insane._

"Hear what?" Wilson asked House a little concerned.

"She just called me insane," House said pointing to the figure of the disappearing car down the street.

"She just said goodbye," Wilson replied putting his hand on House's shoulder, "You sure you're all right?"

"After the goodbye, she said I was insane," House insisted.

"We're getting you checked out," Wilson replied and ushered House towards his own car.

**How you guys liked it, sort of an intro chapter, more to come!**


	2. Chp 2

House sat in Wilson's car on the drive to the hospital very quietly, puzzling over what had happened. He had heard his neighbor say something but her mouth hadn't moved, Wilson hadn't heard it. Was he going insane? He looked down to the Vicodin bottle in his hands and wondered if perhaps he was having a hallucination from the mixture of alcohol, Vicodin and the electricity, maybe getting checked out was a good idea? House could feel Wilson's concerned stare and rolled down the window in an attempt to have something else to look at. At the least he didn't hear Wilson saying anything without actually saying anything.

But as they pulled up to a stop light, a flashy red corvette convertible pulled up next to them and suddenly House was accosted by words.

_Fuck I hope I can catch the skank in time_

House turned immediately interested and found himself to be looking at a plastic, bottle blond woman adjusting her makeup using the rear mirror of her car. She smacked her lips, obviously pleased with her handiwork

_The alimony I'll get from that rich bastard_

House was incredibly amused, this was like one of his soaps, but soon a new voice drew his attention, on Wilson's side.

_GOD THAT CHISLED BODY_

House was incredibly surprised to see that he was staring at an elderly lady, not really big enough to see over her steering wheel. One of those types with the massive owl glasses, she sat arms outstretched as she tried to crane her neck higher. He leaned over into Wilson to get a better look at her and Wilson called out in protest.

"House what the hell are you doing?" Wilson said trying to maintain control on the steering wheel.

"Getting a better look," he muttered.

_The things I'd like to do to that naughty gardener boy_

House actually laughed out loud and the elderly woman in the other car turned her head and having the paranoid delusion that he could read her mind, accelerated as fast as she could once the light turned green.

Wilson gave him a funny look, "At the woman who could have been Betsy Ross?"

"The first thing you never comment on with a woman is her age Wilson," House fake scolded.

Wilson sighed and pushed the accelerator down so that they would arrive at work on time.

* * *

By the time that they had arrived at work House had stopped being scared of his new found ability and instead found it highly entertaining. He would lean his head in here and there to hear little snippets of women's private thoughts, some of them being far juicier than others. House had tried leaning into Wilson to see if he could hear his thoughts, but all he got was Wilson pushing him out of his face with an irritated moan, "Get off of me House." House figured there must be something going on up there rather than believe that the silence was indeed all that went through Wilson's brain and decided that for some reason, his power only worked on women. House smiled evilly, this was going to be a good day.

_What the hell stinks so badly? _

_Jesus Christ what happened to him?_

_Shit._

_Did Wilson find him in a homeless shelter?_

_Does the man own a razor?_

_How can such a nice man like Dr. Wilson put up with House?_

"House, nice to see you decided to turn up," Cuddy announced as Wilson and him finally made their way into the conference room. House was a little shocked by his "warm" welcome from the ladies of Princeton Plainsboro.

_He actually showed, again?_

"Wouldn't want to miss a second of your lectures about sexual harassment Cuddy," House replied sweetly back

_Oh god if he brings up party pants_

"Sit down House," Cuddy ordered, her tone not even hinting to what she was thinking.

_Damn if House hadn't shown I was planning on dismissing them, why does he always seem to randomly pull a feather out of his ass?_

House had to stifle a laugh as he sat down, which caused Cuddy to give him a risen eyebrow; she ignored him and went to the collect her notes.

_How does she put up with that?_

_If I were her I would slap that man silly_

_No respect_

House felt a little uncomfortable, he felt like he was receiving the icy glare of every woman in the room, except outwardly all of their attention was focused on Cuddy who was saying something.

"Now I know that most of you have something important to be doing so I'll make this short and sweet." Nice save, House thought to himself.

"Recently I have been noticing a lack on the men's behalf of respecting the laws against sexual harassment in the workplace," Cuddy paused trying her best not to look at House.

_House _

_House_

_House _

_House_

_House_

_Wilson_

House a little shocked turned to the small nurse who had thought Wilson and raised an eyebrow, he studied her. Pale, brunette, glasses, liked to wear her hair in a loose bun but pretty in a next door neighbor girl kind of way. He laughed to himself, when had Wilson ever not acted like a gentleman? He turned to Wilson was staring completely dumbly at Cuddy, eyes glazed over, obviously not paying attention. He saw Cuddy's eyes flicker over to Wilson.

_He's not even listening. _

House decided to use this to his advantage and suddenly gave Cuddy his complete and utter attention, focusing as hard as he could on what she was saying.

"We can't let our employees feel uncomfortable in their own work place, everyone should be able to come to work and not fear what joke will be made about them that day."

_Why the hell is he staring at me? _

House smirked a little bit in her direction.

_What was that? Oh crap, he's noticed the wonder bra. _

House's eyes nearly bulged out of his sockets and he made a slight inaudible noise. Wilson looked at him like he was crazy. Cuddy glanced over to House with disdain and continued with what she was saying.

"What the hell was that?" Wilson whispered.

"Cuddy's wearing a wonder bra," House replied.

"How do you know?"

"Seriously Wilson how old are you now, and you still don't know how to spot wonder bras?"

Wilson gave him an annoyed look and turned his "attention" back to Cuddy.

"On another note, in about a week we're going to be visited by a member of the board so everyone I need charts, I need paperwork and I need your asses working up to full speed." Cuddy turned to look at House from across the room and waved her arm signaling the meeting was over.

_He's going to be such a pain in the ass._

House put on a fake smile that stretched across his face and began to get up with the rest of the employees.

Suddenly Cameron who House hadn't noticed leaned forward, the contrast between her pink scrubs and yellow hair certainly drew attention to her now, "How far back do you need the charts?"

_Meaning am I going to be stuck looking through the trash cans to find House's paperwork from 2 months ago, again. _

"2 months should be good," Cuddy replied.

_Like House is going to do that, I'll have to ask Cameron._

_Great, I wonder where I can get plastic gloves._

It was funny listening to Cameron be sarcastic in her head. House who suddenly realized he had been far too quite listening to all of the thoughts suddenly spoke up.

"Why not sleep with him, then we can leave the sucking up to you," House said making his way out, he saw Cuddy's jaw drop.

_WHAT? _

_Pig_

_Asshole_

_That's just sick_

_Ahahahahahahahahhahaha_

_How does he get away with those comments?_

_Cuddy fire him_

_What the hell?_

_I wouldn't have said that if I were you._

_Can't she?_

House immediately regretted his suggestion.

"House my office, now," Came her deadly order.

**Thanks for all of the wonderful reviews, I hope the fic can live up all of your expectations, you guys certaintly set them high :)**


	3. Chapter 3

What Women Don't Want chp 3

**Thank you all for your wonderful comments yet again. I am truly glad you are liking the story, really I have to thank an incredibly funny movie and FOX for the characters to mess with. Anyways, the comments really make my day so thank you!**

"You can't honestly wear a wonder bra to work, hold a sexual harassment seminar and then not expect me to make some jab at you in front of the staff," House said sitting comfortably down in the chair across from Cuddy's desk as she made her way around. "I wouldn't be me without me wicked sense of humor."

_Or your over-inflated ego_

"Or your over-inflated ego," Cuddy muttered, flattening the back of her skirt with her hands as she sat down. It was strangely refreshing that Cuddy didn't hold back on the insults her mind tossed around about him. House looked at Cuddy she didn't even look remotely pissed.

"Is this to keep your face, look like you're going to yell at me when all you're really doing is catching up on paperwork," House said pointing to the files she had pulled out.

"Don't worry yelling is coming," Cuddy responded as her eyes drifted over the spread-sheet before her.

_How am I going to explain the funds used for 5 different sets of medications in the span of a week?_

House saw her cross something out on the piece of paper and brought her eyes up to his. House pointed to the paper.

"We saved that patient, I test by treating, without testing different treatments I can't-"House was saying when Cuddy cut him off.

_I know House._

"That's not why I'm going to yell at you."

House was comforted by her thought but a smirk grew on his face and he decided to play her game, "I merely suggested you use your femininely charms for the benefit of the hospital."

"Did you listen to a word I said in there about sexual harassment?" Cuddy asked.

_Of course he didn't, why do I even try?_

"Why bother, I know you like it," House smirked

Cuddy blinked stupidly obviously thrown off by the statement and leaned in with a frown on her face, "The nurses are feeling uncomfortable," Cuddy replied ignoring what he had said.

_He's going to see through that_

Reading Cuddy had been easy enough before but now, House just smirked again.

"You're feeling uncomfortable." House paused letting that fact settle in her mind, "When Daddy Big Bucks arrives you're going to have to be on permanent sucking up mode, so that means everyone else is going to be too. I'm going to be your Achilles ankle and you're afraid that if you don't come off as the all powerful tyrant you so want to be, then you'll get fired."

"You're going to need to follow workplace laws just like everyone else House." Cuddy replied in response.

_Please don't push this._

House, surprised by the pleading tone her heard in her thoughts, nodded solemnly and got up from her chair which forced a confused look to appear on Cuddy's face.

"That's it?" Cuddy asked. House approached the door and turned around and fiddled with his cane thinking of a response, his fiddling with his cane caught Cuddy's attention and her eyes flicked there by accident.

_SHIT! I just looked at his crotch!_

She adverted her eyes quickly and looked to the paperwork on her desk, House was very amused.

"I won't sexually harass my employees if you manage not to," House turning around and exiting her office.

_Oh god, he noticed._

* * *

Wilson was in the clinic looking at the inside of a 2 year old's mouth when House barged into the room.

_Who on earth is that?_

House sighed when he saw the concerned mother standing on the opposite side of her son, obviously over-protective and had ushered the little boy to the hospital at the first signs of a cold. Wilson held up his hand to House.

"Stop, not finished, wait outside."

"Need a consult," House replied remaining where he was.

_He's a doctor?_

"You can wait until I'm finished with Tom," Wilson said eyes still focused on Tom's throat.

"Since when do patients have names?" House asked, the mother gave him an appalled look.

_I hope that's a joke_

Wilson sighed, "I'm sorry, "he apologized to the mother, "He's like a telemarketer, won't stop calling until you listen to him." Wilson removed the rubber gloves, "Tom's fine Laura, just a small infection from cutting himself on that toy he tried to swallow yesterday, I'll write you some antibiotics which should help clear it up."

_My husband works the phone lines_

House gave a weird sort of entertained smile at hearing that thought and waited for Wilson to exit the clinic room.

"You could have waited five minutes House, what if that kid was dying?" Wilson asked walking to the nurses' station to deposit the file.

"Has it stopped me before?" House asked, Wilson gave him a look.

"Who's the consult for?" Wilson asked.

"My patient, he thinks he can hear women's thoughts," House remarked casually.

"Like that movie with Mel Gibson?" Wilson asked amused.

"He says he can hear what women are thinking as they are talking."

"You think it's neurological?"

"It's interesting you don't jump to just plain crazy."

"You wouldn't be asking for a consult if you thought the guy was just nuts," Wilson said depositing the file and signing his signature to it.

"I could just be curious about your opinion of this phenomenon," House said trying to convey sarcasm but for once failing. Wilson turned interested.

"Who is this guy? Why did he get brought in?"

House figured he should just tell Wilson, "High levels of alcohol mixed with crashing into a TV."

Wilson looked at him amazed, "You!? You think you can hear what people think?"

"What women think," House corrected him.

"Are you insane?"

"You just said that it might be neurological," House pointed out.

"Before I knew I was talking about you," Wilson said in disdain, "You seriously think you can hear what they are thinking?"

House nodded and saw a nurse coming towards them. "I'll prove it," he said.

Wilson looked at him with a mixture of concern and utter bewilderment.

_They should just get a room already. In fact I'm surprised that Wilson hasn't come out of the closet yet._

House pointed at the nurse who had just turned her back to them to pick up a pen she had dropped.

"She thinks you're gay," House decided to ignore the first part but made sure to stand back a bit from Wilson to diffuse any rumors.

"That's ridiculous," Wilson turned the idea away but felt a little panicky all the same, "Do I come off gay to you?"

The nurse had picked up her pen and collected the file from Wilson, oblivious to the conversation that had passed between House and Wilson.

"Only when you strip for me," House muttered grabbing a red lollipop and limping away, Wilson, doubting what House had said was true but self conscious about his image anyway, said to the nurse, "He doesn't mean that," He laughed awkwardly, "I don't strip for him." Realizing the fool he was making of himself he walked after House.

_Oh they're gay alright._

* * *

Wilson had still not been convinced that House was telling the truth so House decided to really prove to him that was he was saying was indeed the truth. He booked himself an appointment with a shrink, since he refused to call anyone who studied psychology a doctor, and brought Wilson along to show him his new found power.

House found himself lying on a couch, Wilson and the shrink sitting beside listening to him.

"Well down in the shaft of the empty well, I was trying to find a way out, but it had seemed I had broken my arm. I saw a passageway blocked up by wooden planks and I started kicking them with my feet. When it broke a huge wave of bats flew over me, completely covering me. So I guess that's when my fear of bats started."

Wilson sighed and the shrink removed her glasses, "That all seems strangely familiar Gregory," she said in a flat tone, obviously not amused.

"Sorry my alter ego complex set in again, thought I was Batman," House said sarcastically.

"If you aren't willing to talk I can't help you," the shrink said annoyed.

_I can't believe I'm talking to this jerk when I could be watching Days of our Lives_

Wilson began for him, "He thinks he can hear what women think."

The shrink was immediately interested, "Why do you think that?"

_I've never had this one before_

"Don't start psycho-analyzing me, it's true," House snapped.

_Oh denial this is really good_

"I'm not in denial," House said annoyed, the woman looked impressed for a minute before a smile came over her face.

"Very clever, you were able to read my body language to predict what I was thinking," she remarked impressed.

House sighed, "Think of a sex position."

"What?" Wilson and the shrink both said it at the same time.

"Well since you're a Days of our Lives fan I spiced up the numbers cliché to sex position, so think of a sex position," House explained.

_Is he stalking me?_

"How did you know I watch that?" She asked a little scared.

"I told you I can hear what you are thinking, and you're nowhere near attractive enough for me to stalk you."

Wilson grew annoyed, "There's no reason to be rude House."

"Think of a sex position," House repeated, "I'll tell you what you were thinking."

The shrink looked at him annoyed, "I'll think of a number."

_One million, two hundred and thirty four thousand six hundred and twenty four_

"Well that's a little sneaky huh?" House replied, "One million, two hundred and thirty four thousand six hundred and twenty four."

The shrink looked at him amazed, "Dear god, you really can read people's minds."

Wilson turned to her completely amazed, "He's not screwing with us?"

"I can read women's minds," House repeated the second time that day but that reassurance was lost on the frantic talking of Wilson and the shrink. House couldn't help but think they sounded like cluttering hens.


End file.
